Man's Head Permanently Stuck Up His Ass
(Fake News)
by HumorOnline.com Staff
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Steven -- The man with his head stuck up his ass
Steven gives us another view of his serious problem
Steven, 37, loves to joke around with his friends, so one day he came up with what he thought was the funniest joke ever. He was at a party with his buddies when he decided to stick his head up his ass. Everyone was rolling on the floor laughing their asses of; it was fucking hilarious. And Steven was having a great time. He was telling jokes, dancing around, and downing drinks -- while he kept his head up his ass.
But then Steven tried to pull his head out of his ass, but couldn’t do so. So he started screaming and everyone at the party freaked out.
Someone called 911 and Steven was taken to the hospital where he was treated by the renowned ass physician, Dr. Stukkhedz.
“Steven’s condition is known as SHITS, which is an acronym for Stuck Head In The Shitter,” said Dr. Stukkheds. “And it looks like he will have his head up his ass for the rest of his life.
“The condition is very serious, but definitely manageable. He will need to take several medications every day, including sphincter relaxers, which will help him, uh, relax his ass. He will also need to take cocaine, meth, and LSD because, after all, his head is stuck up his ass. Anyone else who suffers from SHITS knows that you need to take some hard drugs to cope.
“Steven will never be able to completely pull his head out of his ass,” added Dr. Stukkhedz, “but we are hoping for an occasional, partial pullout so he can get a bit of relief. I just want Steven to live a normal live.”
[We caught up with Steven a few months later to see how he was doing.]
“I do my best to be normal,” said Steven. But there are many problems -- dating, for example. The girls can’t seem to get beyond this head up my ass problem. That is all they see. Women can be so shallow.
They always say, “You know, you’re a nice guy, but you have your head up your ass, so I can’t go out with you. Come back after you pull your head out of your ass.
“When I do finally score with a hot babe, which isn’t very often, the sex is tough. I mean, it’s hard to hump someone when you are in the ‘tuck’ position like this. But I do my best.
“And driving is very difficult. You would not believe the position I need to assume in order to get behind the wheel.
“And getting pulled over by a cop is a nightmare. Last week, some cop pulled me over and asked me if I had been drinking. He said that anyone with his head up his ass like me must have downed a few beers. So he gave me a breathalyzer.
“Then he said, ‘You haven’t been drinking, but your breath certainly smells like shit.’
“‘Gee, thanks. Like I didn’t know that,’ I responded.
“Anyways, I am now reaching out to other people with their heads up their asses. This condition is much more common than I realized.
“I have written a book entitled ‘How to Live With Your Head Up Your Ass.’
“I also organized the local chapter of HUAA – Head Up Ass Anonymous.
“And I give lectures at schools to teach kids about SHITS.
“And on that note, let me just say to all the young kids out there that they should never put their head up their poop chute or they may never be able to yank it out.”
Sound advice, Steven.
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This material may not be reproduced in any form.
