Steven Wright has a delivery like no other comedian. His subdued nature, timing, tone of voice, and facial expressions make him one of the funniest comedians around.
Below are some of his classic one-liners.
Enjoy!
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
